


fractal lollipops

by Ffwydriad



Category: Critical Role (Web Series), The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Canon-Typical Warnings, Gen, yeah idk how to tag this im pretty sure you get the idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 10:44:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21390856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffwydriad/pseuds/Ffwydriad
Summary: Excerpt of an audio transcription of Beauregard, the Archivist, and Jester Lavorre, Archival Assistant and Avatar of the Spiral.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 68





	fractal lollipops

"You eat people?" Beau asks, eyes wide in - in shock, and horror, and a bunch of other things."

"I don't _eat_ people," Jester replies, somewhat indignant. "Why would I eat people? They probably taste gross." She sticks out her tongue to emphasize this point. "I eat pastries, Beau, come on, you know this."

"But you feed on them," Beau continues, more insistent. "You feed on their fears."

"Yeah, but it's not like they die or anything." Jester shrugs. "I just play pranks on them, and they get weirded out, and think they're hallucinating - which, technically, they are, technically. And then they get really scared, but they don't die. Dying would be boring. And not very nice," she adds in, as an afterthought.

"And that doesn't bother you?" Beau asks. "That you scare people?"

"I mean, a little, but it's a fun scare!" Jester explains. "Besides, you do it too."

"I don't scare people. Okay, sure, I can be a little mean-"

"Oh, no, you're super mean, but that's not what I'm talking about," Jester says. "When you take people's statements. You're eating them too. Way more than I ever eat people. Mostly." She shrugs. "I don't see why it's a big deal. Everyone does it."

"That is so not true," Beau says. "No one else eats people. Caduceus has all his powers and he never-"

"He makes tea out of dead people, Beau, that's way creepier than anything I've ever done," Jester says.

"Sure, okay, I guess that counts, but Yasha doesn't. And neither does Molly."

"Yasha's starving herself," Jester points out. "Which makes sense, because her god is really mean and I wouldn't like them much either. But she still does it, sometimes. Get all angry and suddenly people are afraid of her. And Molly totally does it."

"You're telling me Molly goes around scaring people? Molly?"

"He's a Hunter, silly, he Hunts," Jester explains. "I thought you already Knew that part."

"And Caleb?" Beau asks. "He doesn't go around burning people."

"I mean, not literally," Jester points out. "But have you ever followed him? I mean, I guess not, because that's my job, but he's super scary. He finds someone super mean, and he just, destroys their life. He doesn't even hurt them, and I think that's way worse than what Yasha does or what Molly does. And way, way worse than what I do, because I'm just having fun."

"With the people you scare to death."

"With the people who don't know that they're my friends yet," Jester corrects. "Look, if you really want I'll stop, but that makes it hard, because I'm trying to help you. And you need my help, right?"

"As an Archival Assistant, not as-"

"Somebody who can actually fight back against the monsters?"

Beau sighs. "That's what Yasha's job is. And Molly's too, I guess. You don't need to be-"

"I think you need all the help you can get. And I just want to help, Beau." Jester says. "If you really want me to stop, then i'll stop. And I'll just do paperwork and stalk people the normal, boring way."

"Don't hurt people," Beau says. "Innocent people. Just, just don't hurt them."

"I don't hurt people who are my friends, Beau, I would never," Jester says, and wraps her into a hug that should be way, way more uncomfortable than it is. "So, who am I stalking today?" Her smile is bright and cheerful and it curls up at the ends in a way that is both terrifying and, honestly, kind of adorable.

Beau hands over the information of the latest statements worth investigating, even though, honestly, it's feeling less important with each passing day. 

**Author's Note:**

> i should be doing nano but instead i binged the magnus archives and made a critical role au. i. i just love the magnus archives a bunch. and i really like the idea of jester just really casually being a monster.
> 
> if you want to listen to me ramble on for way, way too long, hit me up on my tumblr @malaismere


End file.
